Monthly Archives: February 2014

I Gave In To The Ghosts In My Head

I finally gave in to the ghosts in my head.

And burned yet another bridge unintentionally.

Its gone now.

Way to go Yen Leong!

People like me deserves to be alone.

A person who rejects happiness and blames the whole world but myself for the decisions I made.

Who gives excuses than facing the truth.

Who is afraid of everything.

A coward who will never be prepared for anything.

How many people should I let down to let reality hit me in the face?

I felt horrible.

I’ve never seen such hurt in a person’s eyes.

What have I done?

But I know it has to be done.

Because he deserves someone better than me.

Let him go.

 

-Yen-

I’m Loosing Control

I’m loosing control
I don’t know who I am anymore
And most importantly where I’m going.

Who am I?
I lost it.
I lost myself.

I looked for others
To be blamed.

I disappoint people around me.

I hurt people around me.

I’ve failed others who believed in me.

I burn bridges around me.

I can’t even give a sincere smile.

I’m loosing my gravity.

I’m flying further and further away.

I can’t see myself in the mirror anymore.

Where is she?

What People Do When They Don’t Really Love You

What People Do When They Don’t Really Love You

Food for thought.

Thought Catalog

I try to lace my work with optimism because a guiding principle in my own life has been that the most tragic things in our lives almost always precede the most incredible. I think that, at any given point, we are faced with the choice of whether to move on with what the universe gives and takes or to hold on and bury ourselves in our own misery. I do not perch on a high horse preaching this, because I have been in those depths, and I know what it’s like. I also know that there are few issues that will destroy you faster than matters of the heart. But what I must tell you is that while teaching myself to climb out of that sadness and attachment-laden-misery, I realized something that is a bit more realistic than optimistic, but so invariably true that it’s worth giving attention to.

When…

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Walking, Alone.

Walking, Alone.

I miss those days when I just feel like, walking alone.
Back in Sheffield, back in the summer of 2013.
I don’t confine myself in the room,
It somehow felt suffocating.

At times like this, like today,
I just want to be alone.
No reason why.
I don’t feel like talking to anyone,
Not to be seen by anyone,
I don’t want to be found,
I just want to, disappear.

And Sheffield was the perfect place,
Where I could almost, disappear.
I could go under the radar,
Whenever I wanted to,
Whenever I needed to.

The wind would blow into my face,
As I took each step,
In a familiar stranger’s land.
Let the music carried me,
As I drown in my thoughts.

I was dwelling in it,
Drowning in my own loneliness.
I secretly enjoyed it,
Lovin’ it.

My misery was quite, suffocating,
But as odd as it was,
It was somehow,
An escape.
And I vanished.

I would shut everyone out,
Turned off my phone,
Stayed in the school building alone,
With no one in sight.

The air was silent and cold,
I was in my Gap,
And typing away,
Yet doing nothing.
I would spend the entire day alone.

I would take a longer route home,
And picked the quietest road,
With lesser cars,
Lesser people.
I didn’t want anyone to see me.
Not even strangers.

I took every step in the slowest pace.
I could finally hear myself think.

At times,
It would be the wonderful greens,
If not the quiet routes.

I just wanted to go for a run around.
And my feet brought me to,
Norfolk Park.
Very few people was in sight,
To my delight.

It felt like,
I was alone in the world.
No one could ever find me,
In my new hiding place.

I could hear the leaves rustle,
As the wind blew.
I could hear my shoes,
On the stones and twigs.
If there was a song,
Peaceful would be it.

At last,
I found a spot.
I laid there.
The trees looked beautiful,
Swaying and dancing to the wind.
The cold wind gently,
Caress my skin.
The smell of grass.
I wanted to stay here longer,
For a moment, maybe forever?

If only time would stop,
This could be it,
I thought.

-Yen-

Sometimes, I Think I Deserved To Be Alone

I’m clueless,

of what I want.

Where I’m going.

I’m not playing any games,

Not on anyone, not on anything.

I just want to give me a chance,

Give you a chance, give us a chance.

But I’m so rational, too rational.

I analyze,

I microscope things,

I dissect problems,

And my feelings, layer by layer.

I have explanations for how I feel.

I like you,

Then I’m trying to like you even more,

And tried my best to fall for you.

You’re wonderful,

Gentle, patient.

You’re all I could ever want,

You’re it.

But why am I not feeling it.

Effort is what you’re giving,

And I should like what I’m seeing.

Unfortunately, I feel guilty

For not being able to do the same.

I’m feeling upset,

With myself,

In every single way.

We could be perfect,

You’re almost perfect.

But I’m not feeling anything

That I’m supposed to be feeling.

I’m very upset, with myself.

The person in my way is no one,

But me.

I’m my biggest challenge,

My biggest enemy.

It’s happening again.

History is repeating all by itself, again.

And no one should be more afraid of this,

Than myself.

Because,

Sometimes,

I think I deserved to be alone.

-Yen-

Let The Chips Fall As They May

Things get out of control.

Things get out of hand.

But I like to be in control,

So I could be prepared when I see things’s coming.

I hate the unknown.

I’m terribly fear of it.

I hate walking in the dark.

I hate to be blind.

I hate to fall.

It fears me.

But things always get out of control.

And when they do,

What would I do?

I worry.

I’m scared.

It’s like trying to catch water at a waterfall.

Nothing will change anything.

If it wants to get out of hand, it would.

If it wants to get out of control, it would.

They say,

I should embrace it.

I should dance in the dark.

 

-Yen-